Snapchat filter musings



I was born with an asymmetrical face, and I think that’s where my problems started.

I remember watching some weird science documentary in grade school about how human beauty is all about symmetry.

I went home and took out my dad’s old yellow metal measuring tape and got to work. I quickly realized a few things:

1) I do not understand math
2) If you don’t secure the measuring tape, it will snap back into place and will happily scratch the sh** out of your face and
3) God made me wrong.

So, I did what any insecure 11-year-old would do in this situation: I shaved my eyebrows into perfectly symmetrical rectangles.

No matter how, I would achieve beauty.

I mean, you can’t laugh too much. It’s 2017 and people are turning their eyebrows into literal squiggles.

This brings me to my modern conundrum: why are scientifically certified beauties putting gorgeous Instagram filters on their already disgustingly beautiful mugs?

These golden-ratio-sporting specimens already statistically have a higher chance of having a great life and not dying alone, and now they are adjusting the contrast to have virtually zero pores.

And I can’t even be mad. Because I am so desperate to be their friends. I try so hard to keep up with their Ginghams, Larks and Hefe’s — what if I use the wrong one?

“You can’t sit with us in that filter.”

I have befriended some of these other-worldly creatures, and I have discovered their secrets: they have a “good side” and “still devastatingly perfect” side. They just call that one their bad side.

I have decided to no longer pose in selfies with beautiful people. Why must I saddle up beside them, a grotesque vision, and pull some ridiculous expression in hopes that people will think I’m being ugly on purpose. It is not on purpose, my friends, but it is with purpose. I am ugly with an agenda.

I’m calling on Instragram to add a condition to the terms of use:  if you rate above a 5.5 on the beauty scale, you are barred from using any of the filters. Except for Ludwig, that one somehow makes you look mad gross.

Save some “likes” for us uglies, please.