Snapchat filter musings
BY JESSICA SEBURN — LIFESTYLE COLUMNIST
I was born with an asymmetrical face, and I think that’s where my problems started.
I remember watching some weird science documentary in grade school about how human beauty is all about symmetry.
I went home and took out my dad’s old yellow metal measuring tape and got to work. I quickly realized a few things:
1) I do not understand math
2) If you don’t secure the measuring tape, it will snap back into place and will happily scratch the sh** out of your face and
3) God made me wrong.
So, I did what any insecure 11-year-old would do in this situation: I shaved my eyebrows into perfectly symmetrical rectangles.
No matter how, I would achieve beauty.
I mean, you can’t laugh too much. It’s 2017 and people are turning their eyebrows into literal squiggles.
This brings me to my modern conundrum: why are scientifically certified beauties putting gorgeous Instagram filters on their already disgustingly beautiful mugs?
These golden-ratio-sporting specimens already statistically have a higher chance of having a great life and not dying alone, and now they are adjusting the contrast to have virtually zero pores.
And I can’t even be mad. Because I am so desperate to be their friends. I try so hard to keep up with their Ginghams, Larks and Hefe’s — what if I use the wrong one?
“You can’t sit with us in that filter.”
I have befriended some of these other-worldly creatures, and I have discovered their secrets: they have a “good side” and “still devastatingly perfect” side. They just call that one their bad side.
I have decided to no longer pose in selfies with beautiful people. Why must I saddle up beside them, a grotesque vision, and pull some ridiculous expression in hopes that people will think I’m being ugly on purpose. It is not on purpose, my friends, but it is with purpose. I am ugly with an agenda.
I’m calling on Instragram to add a condition to the terms of use: if you rate above a 5.5 on the beauty scale, you are barred from using any of the filters. Except for Ludwig, that one somehow makes you look mad gross.
Save some “likes” for us uglies, please.
Recent Comments