Love is a fickle thing. For the last 5 years I have bounced from dating site to dating app, trying to figure out why someone as delightful as me can’t seem to find “the one”.

I don’t know what else I could do differently.

I spent 500 dollars on boudoir photos. And I am still not batting at 100 per cent. How is that possible? Five. Hundred. Dollars.

I think the best approach is to just keep trucking on. I refuse to delete dating apps because I’m pretty sure prince/princess Charming is just one more finger-flick away.

Top 20 reasons why I swiped left

Swiping left with reckless abandon./THE PROJECTOR

20) You were holding a dead animal.
19) You said the phrase “420 friendly”.

18) Your name is Graeme. That’s not right. Your parents are psychotic.

17) You think your Meyers-Briggs personality type is interesting.

16) You like “adventure.” You’d push me off a cliff in a heartbeat, wouldn’t you? Graeme.

15) Your photo is of you finger-banging a vat of Neapolitan ice-cream. Two in the strawberry, one in the chocolate.

14) You used 72 unique emojis in your profile. Use your words Tim.

13) I saw your weird belly button. Put that away.

12) You used the word “female.”

11)  Or “brews.”

10) You’re looking for something “serious.” You know what’s serious? Heart attacks. Go to the cardiac ward if you’re looking for something serious.

9) “Fluent in sarcasm.” Google translates that to “I’m mean to bank clerks for no reason.”

8) You are a woman caressing a horse. Your horse-friend.

7) You’re wearing black lipstick and have a glass of wine in your hand. You’re exactly my type and I know you will try to murder me in my sleep. Did you swipe right? I’m sorry, I regret it. Please call me.

6) You’re my dad. Please dad, call mom, I think you guys could make it work.

5) Polo shirt.

4) “Down to earth and easygoing.”

3) There’s a ferret on your shoulder. It’s alive.

2) You’re DJ Blitz. Jesus, Daniel, are you okay?

1) You once matched with me and asked me to come hang out with you and your dog on our first date, I said no and you insisted. I ignored you. That was 7 years ago. You find me on Facebook and ask again. I accidentally give the “thumbs up” I panic and say “I have to go my planet needs me” and block you. Please stop looking for me Todd. Leave me alone Todd.