A semi-regular comedy column


Today, my dog ran away. With my wife.

That son of a bitch. I knew this was going to happen. I had a feeling from the very start.

When we first got him, we had one rule: the dog isn’t allowed to sleep in our bed.

Sure enough, after a few weeks, I opened the bedroom door and found them cuddled up together. In bed.

I confronted them immediately.

“What the hell is going on here?” I shouted, slurring a bit because I was still a bit drunk from being out at the bar all night with my friends, Dylan O’Connor and Ryan “The Machine” Bergman.

“He probably heard me crying myself to sleep,” she answered, pretending to cry really convincingly.

Not convincingly enough.

The dog took advantage of every moment I wasn’t around to get close to her.

For example, if I was out, like, at the bar or something, drinking with my buddies Nathan “Nutz” Carlson and Brady “Steel Ballz” Jones, that sleazy dog of ours was making a move.

Or, if I was out, like, at the bar, drinking and also doing hard-core drugs with my buddies Frank “Hammer Dick” Barill and Henry “Radial Arm Saw Wang” Richards, the dog was making even more moves.

Bad dog.

Sometimes the dog would leave notes for me, faking that my wife was the one who writing them, trying to create distance between her and I. They said stuff like, “We need to talk,” or, “James, we really need to talk,” or even “James, we seriously need to talk. This is your wife. Stop saying it’s the dog. It’s not the dog – you’re drunk.”

Nice try, dog.

Anyway, my New Year’s resolution to stop drinking has gotten off to a rocky start, but I think next week I’ll really tackle it. Me and the guys are going to meet up at the bar or something to discuss strategies.

D.B. is a sad little clown from Winnipeg, Manitoba. When he’s not busy disappointing his parents by trying to be a comedy writer, I’m busy switching from third-person to first-person writing. D loves stories, jokes, and the rule of three. He has a sketch comedy series called That’s Kinda the Situation. He studies communications. He hopes you have a nice day.