A SEMI-REGULAR COMEDY COLUMN

By D.B.

— Hey, D! You wanna hangout with me and Justin after school today?

— Yeah! What are we doing?

— Well, we were thinking we’d try jumping off the Mill Street Bridge.

— Oh…umm. That sounds really fun. Like, REALLY fun. But my mom had a talk with me before starting high school, and we agreed I wouldn’t do that.

— You agreed you wouldn’t jump of a bridge?

— Yeah. That’s the conversation we had.

— Okay, well, I guess that’s that.

— Sorry.

— How about we do drugs instead. Can we do that?

— Oh, yeah. Definitely.


— D! Don’t finish your slice of pizza! When you were gone, Justin put his butt on it.

— That’s disgusting!

— I know! You better throw it out.

— Oh no…

— What?

— Well, my mom told me I should always finish my plate, because there are starving kids who would gladly eat my dinner.

— D… his butt was on it.

— I know.

— Do you really think anyone would gladly eat that?

— She said they’re starving.

— I know but…

— Starving.


— D! D! Come quick! Justin and I were exploring in the forest and we found a tree that literally has money growing on of it!

— Oh. Well, um. My mom told me money doesn’t grow on trees.

— It doesn’t?

— That’s what she said.

— Is she absolutely sure? We even got one of the bills authenticated on our way over to get you and they said it’s the real deal.

— Yeah, she sounded sure.

— Okay.

— Let’s go do drugs now.