A SEMI-REGULAR COMEDY COLUMN

BY D.B.

Dear Peanut Lovers,

We here at Big Peanut Co. know times have been tough.

In a world where countless ailments affect people, the peanut has been singled out as some sort of unredeemable villain that deserves to be banned from the office.

You used to be able enjoy eating an innocent peanut, but now they’ve turned the lunchroom into an area of intolerance – the “peanut-free” zones.

You love peanuts. And so do we.

That’s why we’ve made a list of the top ten ways you can enjoy peanuts at work, finally put a stop to the “allergics” telling you what and where you can eat.

  1. Eat your lunch outside. They can’t stop you from eating peanuts there. Nobody can police your use of outside air unless they’re an air marshal, and those guys are busy looking for terrorists and stuff.
  2. Before you leave your house, tuck all the peanut-based products you want to eat for the day in your cheeks like a squirrel. Then you can eat them at your leisure. If anyone catches you, just say “I’ve basically already eaten it at this point,” which is true, so they’ll probably let you finish.
  3. Instead of packing a peanut butter sandwich in a re-sealable plastic bag, pack a peanut butter sandwich purée in a re-sealable plastic bag. Then, use a straw to poke a hole in the top of the bag and suck out your lunch like it’s a Kool-Aid Jammer. A delicious, brown, pulpy Kool-Aid Jammer.
  4. Consider becoming a sovereign citizen. Basically, it means you self declare yourself as only answerable to your particular interpretation of the common law and as not a subject to government statues or proceedings. Sure, you’ll be part of a controversial movement with some pretty intense people, but at least you’ll have peanuts.
  5. Go on a vendetta and kill all the people who are allergic to peanuts. The problem would essentially solve itself. Kidding! We’re kidding. Don’t do that.
  6. Disguise the peanut by putting a little sombrero and moustache on it. People will assume it’s a taco and won’t bother you.
  7. Only about 1% of people have peanut allergies. So, if you did do the vendetta thing, statistically, it wouldn’t even be that many people from your office. But it would be wrong. So, definitely don’t do it.
  8. Hire a magician to make the peanuts appear/vanish as needed. As a side note, crossbows are pretty good for vendettas. Like, way more effective than you’d think.
  9. Gather everyone together outside by setting up an inflatable bouncy castle in the parking lot. This is a great distraction for you to eat your peanuts in the lunch room, or you could get a clear view of the “allergics” from the lunchroom window through the crosshairs of a crossbow.
  10. Set a fire in the dumpster behind the office and burn the bodies of your victims. As their flesh turns to a crisp, deeply inhale the fumes pouring over the sides of your parking lot crematorium. You smell that? It smells like victory. Sweet victory? No. Salty, peanuty victory.