Manitoba teachers collectively scream

By: Brett Kelly

Premier Brian Pallister has doubled-down on comments suggesting it’s good teachers pay out-of-pocket for supplies. Pallister says the added struggle of no classrooms or schools will spark an “industrious spirit,” though many teachers continue to voice their displeasure with the latest announcement.

“It’s really a compliment,” said Pallister. “I’m saying teachers are so smart they can figure out how to provide those small people, babies or whatever they are — children, right — with a proper education.”

In place of schools, Pallister says he has introduced a new tax incentive. Teachers in Manitoba will be eligible to receive up to five dollars per brick laid. The premier went on to say such a labour-intensive idea would not be possible if men were not allowed to teach.

“The ladies can do their fair share,” said Pallister. “I’m confident a female teacher can lay as many bricks as her male counterpart.”

The Manitoba Teachers’ Society issued a statement in response to the new tax incentive:

“AAAHHHHHHHHHHHH NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO PLEASE GOD NO,” followed by a long list of expletives The Projector cannot publish.

Ophelia Naderholm, a teacher in the Winnipeg School Division, started laying bricks three days ago for her ninth grade class.

“I can think of a few better places for these bricks, if I’m honest,” said Naderholm, wiping wet mortar off her hands. “I’ve been at this for days, and I’m only eligible for about $2,000. What’s next, firefighters have to provide their own trucks?”

Pallister assured teachers he understands their struggles. “I was a teacher too, ya know,” he said. “In fact, John Hughes modelled Richard Vernon after me, so I must’ve done something right.”

“Of course [Vernon] is a Pallister proxy,” said Naderholm as she nursed her calloused and bleeding hands. “Who else would think a $31,000 salary is something to brag about?” Naderholm says she is still weeks away from single-handedly constructing a classroom for her students.

Sources close to the premier say his property in Costa Rica needs a renovation, and it’s likely firetrucks are next on the chopping block.