Don’t fret — make friends
BY JESSICA SEBURN
College keeps us busy, but it’s important to have a balance between work and fun. Maintaining friendships doesn’t have to be hard! Here are some hot tips and tricks for making it work:
- Make a group chat! Let every buzz and beep remind you that you are failing your most cherished relationships. Pretend you’re taking long dumps so that you have time to cobble together a message that reeks of insecurity. A stank even more powerful more than the toilet you have been hiding in for eight minutes.
- Plan an afternoon of manicures and pedicures with the gals. Google “nail salon infections”. Become overwhelmed with anxiety and revulsion. Look at your bank account. Realize there are things more horrifying than fungal infections.
- Tag your friends in hilarious memes. Forget what their laughter sounds like.
- Tell your friends you will do anything for them. Except drive anywhere (no car), eat anything besides Pizza Bite (Pizza King also has stellar deals), or give up any time allotted to doing homework (5 p.m. to 5 a.m.)
- Question what you ever provided to your friends to begin with.
- Realize you have nothing but emojis to give.
- Be completely absent from their lives until dramatic life events occur. Watch your friend’s baby crown, stare into the abyss. Comfort during funerals (unless they happen on a school-day, in that case, you’re on your own, kid!) Make time to be the maid of honour in your best friend’s wedding, realize you are single and it will take you at least five years to be financially and emotionally stable enough to date anyone who isn’t named Todd or Chad.
