Fully Fletched

Trick or treat, smell my feet, if I see one more half-dressed forest animal I’m going to lose my marbles.

Look, I can appreciate how cute a pair of ears and a pink nose look on a chick just as much as the next cynical mouthpiece, but a little creativity would go a long way. The top three best Halloween costumes I’ve rocked over the years have to be Rev Run of Run DMC, Axl Rose, and Root Canal Barbie. Just try and buy one of those outfits at the mall.

Dressing up as Rev Run was a hoot and a perfect excuse to purchase a full Adidas track suit. And yes, if you are not a soccer star or a very fit Instagram

model, an excuse is necessary. Al- though the genius of this costume was somewhat wasted on a house of party goers that were slightly uneducated on 80s hip-hop, I definitely got more high-fives than the naked couple next to me dressed as Adam and Eve.

Axl Rose seemed like a natural fit, considering I already look and dress like an obnoxious rock star with a drug problem. Messy hair, ripped clothing, and slightly sunken, bloodshot eyes (from lack of sleep, mind you, not heroin). I ordered a pair of tights off eBay that were covered with an American flag pattern thinking this would be the cherry on top of my already ridiculous outfit, but when I showed up at the costume party everyone thought I was Rex-Kwon-Do, the raspy karate badass from Napoleon Dynamite. I do a mean throat-punch and would love to end up

with a muscly wife named Stella, but I would have brushed up on my martial arts lingo had I known this was going to be a problem.

Root Canal Barbie was another classic and by far the most original. So original that some of you may be questioning its legitness, but I can assure you
it’s a real thing. Any other six-year-old with the oversized dress plastered with Barbie’s face came close to my commitment of the role, but my two front teeth that had turned black after some traumatizing dental surgery put those other little chicklets to shame. I had pulled a coffee table down onto my face earlier that year, killing my most prominent pearly white and the majority of my self-esteem. Not wanting me to spend the entire elementary school Halloween parade in tears, my mom curled my hair, told me to smile, and Root Canal Barbie was born.

I’m not pretending to be perfect here, and if you search far enough back in my tagged photos on Facebook (please don’t) you might even find a picture of me dressed as Goldilocks one shameful Halloween back in high school. But I have since grown up and am now allowed to judge everyone that looks better than me wearing a bra and a furry headband.

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