Fully Fletched

Alright, it’s mid-October. It’s getting cold, homework is piling up, and I am getting grosser by the second.

All the props in the world to those that have the ambition to wake up early enough to curl their hair and wing their eyeliner, but I am so far on the other end of the spectrum I can’t help but question your priorities. It’s a good day if I remember to brush my teeth before I leave the house.

Again, nothing wrong with giving a fork about how you look. It’s a phase I hope to go through sometime before I turn 30. But if you are a grimy little gremlin like myself, here are some tips to fool the heartbreakers you’re forced to sit by in class.

Invest in some hats. Haven’t brushed your hair in a week and you’re not cool enough to convince everyone you’re getting dreadlocks? Hat. Spent over 12 hours at school yesterday then went home and passed out with your backpack on? Wake up – hat. And remember to stay away from people who think it’s funny to expose your greasiness. Friends that steal your hat are not your friends.

Start wearing dude’s cologne. Dad’s, boyfriend’s, boyfriend’s friend’s, whatever. Do it. Bottles of man smell are more potent than that light, breezy garbage they sell to women, and worst case scenario people will assume it’s the guy beside you that tried to hide his stink with Hugo Boss number 6.

Accessorize! It’s pretty shocking I even know that word, right? But, for real, you can get away with wearing almost the same thing every day if you just change your shirt and throw on a scarf. (Actually, I’m not sure if I’m successfully getting away with this or if I smell too bad for people to get close enough to tell me they noticed.)

I have about a million more of these but I’m running out of space on this page and my boyfriend thinks if I write any more it’ll make him look bad. I can’t say I blame him, but he made me go out on the deck to brush my hair last week so this is payback.

Keep up the good work, gremlins.

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