Lower your standards


Listen up, you sappy suckers, I’m going to need you to do me a favour this V-Day and cool your jets.

Scrolling through Twitter at any point in the first two weeks of February is like working on an assembly line at a factory that manufactures large, smelly pieces of pink garbage. Pink garbage that overuses the heart-eyes emoji and gets way too excited about Pandora bracelets. Please stop blasting my feed with not-so-subtle hints to your significant other of what you think they have to buy you, nauseating #tbt’s of the candle-lit dinner they “surprised” you with last year, and, the worst of all, engagement photos. Just punch me right in the head.

To the single people reading this nodding your heads like “yas girl, love sucks, preach” — stop it, I’m not on your side either. Actually, you guys might be worse. Getting all salty about people in love and calling it Singles Awareness Day. That’s enough.

I was single last year and I had a phenomenal Valentine’s Day. I woke up, drank the bottle of wine my mom got me, covered both my forearms with temporary Spider-man tattoos (seriously, like 32 of them), went out for dinner with some friends, then had three dudes over to play Just Dance in my basement. This year I have a boyfriend, and I hope my Valentine’s Day is the exact same.

Valentine’s Day is about telling people you love them, no matter your relationship. Your friends, your mom, your dog, your coach, the bus driver, whoever. It’s not a day to demand gifts or to pout over the fact that you don’t have anyone to buy you a gift. Quite frankly, you guys are starting to get a little bratty, and I am gosh darn sick of it.

All I want for Valentine’s Day is exactly what I want for every other day of my life: to eat pepperoni pizza in my underwear, drink a bottle of red wine, watch The Office, and pet a dog. No teddy bears, no chocolate, no flower petals strewn about for me to slip on and knock my head on the dresser. Just me and the things I love.

Okay, maybe a little chocolate. I’m not a complete savage.


Answers to Fletch, Betty Spaghetti, or Hey You.

Long, shaggy blonde hair.

Slightly aggressive at first but usually warms up after she smells you.

Feed her pizza and she’ll be the most loyal friend you’ll ever have.

Follow her on Twitter @kylakylakyla__